i don't want to think about things too much anymore.
i just want to know how i affect other people by the things i do and say and get a hold of that and just hope that in the future, it'll all work out somehow.
but i also kind of know that'll never really happen. i feel like writing a bunch of stories because i'm on a caffeine high. no, actually i feel like walking outside because today was so nice. rain.
i don't feel like worrying about the mid year exams or the malay o-level and think about all this dumb social networking crap. social networking my ass. it all makes me feel like a loser in the end anyway. i'm getting lazy. i'm in this phase where loser and ... ok, holy fuck, my right brain is throbbing... make it quit...
anyway, what i really really feel like doing is looking at all of my childhood pictures and wanting to revisit those places and bring a portable lamp with me, a pillow and a friend and just sit there and write and admire and feel like i have some sort of purpose and that people actually influence me and i'm part of their purpose and that you don't have to try to make this whole chain of connections of people and feel like you're actually a part of something. and that you're life wasn't a complete waste.
and i have such bad grammar right now, but i'm not going back to fix it because it'll ruin my flow. i don't want to worry about shit because it'll ruin my living. i wish people didn't have to worry about their histories and feel like they have to live up to all the ambitions their pasts had accumulated for them to accomplish. all the pressures and unsatisfactions can really kill a person. i guess i meant that literally and metaphorically.
but sometimes parents have these mindsets we can't quite seem to break through and sometimes it seems like they're the greatest obstacle.
alright, so now's the point in the caffeine high where my throat is getting really itchy and irritating and whatever that's left of my brain is throbbing like tomorrow just got sucked into some black hole and i'm becoming paranoid because i still haven't done my research for tomorrow's english gourment classor touched my maths homework, or done any preperations to get screwed during chemistry class tomorrow i couldn't stand it. i still can't even really believe that almost half the friggin year is already gone.
oh thursdays, how much i despise you.